oh, boy.

13 Feb

A good reason to go to a women’s college. I guarantee this won’t be published:

Rape Only Hurts If You Fight It

John Petroski
Opinions Editor

Most people today would claim that rape is a terrible crime almost akin to murder but I strongly disagree.  Far from a vile act, rape is a magical experience that benefits society as a whole.  I realize many of you will disagree with this thesis but lend me your ears and I’m sure I’ll sway you towards a darkened alley.

If it weren’t for rape, Western Civilization might not exist as we know it today.  When the Romans were faced with a disproportionate ratio of women to men in the early kingdom, they had to do something, lest their fledgling society die for lack of sons.  To solve their little dilemma, they did what any reasonable man would do:  they threw a festival for their Sabine neighbors, and then stole and raped their women.  It’s quite logical; in fact I don’t understand why the settlers at Plymouth didn’t do the same to the local Indians.  It certainly would have saved on shipping costs.

Obviously, in the case of the Rape of the Sabines, rape was a tremendous help to society.  The Sabine women, for their part, didn’t seem to mind so much, as they threw themselves between their brutish old Sabine husbands and their charming new Roman ones to prevent bloodshed when the Sabine men came to reclaim their wives.  Yet even when society was totally against a rape, the raunchy act has benefitted society too.  Where would the Romans be, after all, if it weren’t for the Rape of Lucretia infuriating the people to the point of overthrowing their last king, Lucius Tarquinius Soperbus?  If it weren’t for that event, the world might never have had the Roman Republic for a pristine example of a flawless government.

Rape’s glorious advantages are not, however, exlusively found from 2,000-year-old examples.  In actuality, rape’s advantages can very much be seen today.  Take ugly women, for example.  If it weren’t for rape, how would they ever know the joy of intercourse with a man who isn’t drunk?  In a society as plastic-conscious as our own, are we really to believe that some man would ever sleep with a girl resembling a wildebeest if  he didn’t have a few schnapps in him?  Of course he wouldn’t, at least no self-respecting man would, but therein lies the beauty of rape.  No self-respecting man would rape in the first place, so ugly women are guaranteed a romp with not only a sober man, but a bad boy too, and we all know how much ladies like the bad boy.

Ugly women are not,  however, the only people who benefit from rape– prisoners enjoy its many perks, too.  What, after all, would possibly be more boring than spending years of your life confined to some tiny cell 23 hours a day?  The answer, of course, is spending years of your life confined to some tiny cell 23 hours a day and never getting some hot action.  With rape, prisoners never have to worry about that.  Instead, they merely need worry about treating their rapists with enough love and respect to earn a quick reach-around. 

But if there is one bread and butter reason for why rape should not only be accepted, but even endorsed, it is because our news editors are in dire need of interesting stories for our front page.  Bookstore stories?  Fossils?  One dollar coins?  Please.  Now, some saucy circle jerk rape action?  Yeah, that’s the ticket. 

So, some background. This was printed in Central Connecticut State University’s college newspaper, The Recorder on February 7th. Since then, several people have called for the resignation (link to article) of the Editor-in-Chief, Mark Rowan and the Opinions Editor, John Petroski. Just for context, both dudes are white. 

 The editors are claiming freedom of speech, blah, blah, blah. This is where I struggle, because, where I am SO for freedom of speech, I can’t believe it would apply to hate speech and there is NO way I can support something like this being printed in a college newspaper. Especially because women on college campuses are more at risk of being raped. I can’t imagine the amounts of people that this not only offended, but hurt deeply.

Also, as several reports and articles have mentioned, this is a “satirical” piece. OK – I know some people have a shitty sense of humor, but… please?! This is beyond “poor taste.” It’s actually unbelievable. Sad.

For a good time, visit these facebook pages. You can send a comment to Mark or John…

Mark. Third from the top.

John. The very first one listed.

Women’s Space Blog on this.

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2 Responses to “oh, boy.”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Anniversary. « A Taylored Stitch, A Modern Bitch - August 3, 2007

    […] Oh Boy! […]

  2. another check minus for college journalism « A Taylored Stitch, A Modern Bitch - February 20, 2008

    […] another check minus for college journalism Last February, I blogged about an article published in Central Connecticut State University’s newspaper, The Recorder, called, “Rape Only Hurts If You Fight It.” The “satirical” tyrade was digraceful to women and to college journalism. The article explained that rape is a magical experience and a help to society. It went on to say that ugly women would never know the joy of sex if it weren’t for rape… it was disgusting (here is my post about this, with a copy of the article). […]

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